Selectiva

January 4, 2018 § 1 Comment

Intr-o alta viata, nu acum mult timp, consumam de-a valma: oameni, emotii, mancare, carti, calatorii, haine. Nu eram eu la volanul propriei vieti. Eram speriata si acceptam ce aparea in cale, ce mi se dadea. Ce e mai rau e ca nu eram constienta de nimic. Cand nu stii ca esti in prapastie, nici nu incerci sa iesi din ea. Strigi, iti auzi propriul ecou si asta e tot dialogul tau cu lumea.

Astazi sunt alta persoana. Fac eforturi sa ma mentin treaza, sa fiu la curent cu viata mea, sincera, lucida si constienta. Nu e usor, somnolenta imi da tarcoale mereu. Dar eu incerc sa fiu cat se poate de prezenta si la volanul propriei vieti. Sa discern, sa aleg bine oamenii cu care ma inconjor, felul in care vreau sa imi traiesc viata. Cartile pe care le citesc, hainele pe care le cumpar. Ma gandesc bine cum vreau sa ma simt la sfarsitul zilei (si de fapt, la sfarsitul vietii) si in functie de asta imi organizez ziua si imi setez simturile sa filtreze riguros realitatea.

Ma ajuta sau nu informatia asta?

Vorba asta rautacioasa, intamplarea asta care imi ridica pulsul la cote inadmisibile va mai conta cinci ani de-acum incolo?

Ce imi doresc, de fapt? Cine vreau sa fiu?

Ce ma bucura? Ce trebuie sa fac ca sa ma simt bine [unde ‘bine’ inseamna implinita]

Ce trebuie sa fac zilnic pentru a investi in viitorul meu – pe planul sanatatii, pe plan financiar etc?

Pe mine acest esafodaj ma ajuta incredibil de mult sa raman calma, sa ma centrez, sa fiu disciplinata si sa imi mentin o anumita igiena a mintii si a sufletului deopotriva.

Voi ce faceti zilele astea? Ce ganduri va populeaza mintea?

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Unui an exceptional

December 31, 2017 § 2 Comments

Unui an exceptional, asa cum a fost 2017, i se cuvine multa recunostinta. Viata a fost incredibil de generoasa cu mine. Anul acesta totul s-a schimbat, pentru ca a venit pe lume fetita noastra. Ma uit la ea si toate cuvintele dispar. Noaptea, dupa ce ea adoarme, imi afund fata in parul ei, o respir, ma umplu de fiinta ei si nu imi ajunge. E o minune cum a aparut pe lume. Nu vreau sa uit nimic si totusi nu pot spune multe despre ea, pentru ca simt ca nici un cuvant nu o cuprinde cu adevarat si nu ii poate masura magia. Cert e ca nu voi pierde niciodata senzatia manutelor ei mici si catifelate mangaindu-mi sanul atunci cand o hranesc. Sau privirea ei adanca, directa, serioasa. Zambetul ei ghidus din varful buzelor. Eu sper ca ne asteapta multe zile impreuna. Copilul nostru e al nostru si nu e. Asta nu trebuie sa uit niciodata.

E frumos sa iti faci planuri si e futil. Imi plac la nebunie listele, dar in acelasi timp realizez mai mult ca niciodata ca trebuie sa iau clipele una cate una. Anul asta mi s-au intamplat lucruri importante, am depasit praguri mari, cu care m-am luptat ani de zile, am invatat mult. Nici un an nu a mai fost asa.

Citesc ultimele eseuri pe care le-a scris O. Sacks inainte sa moara. Am citit si autobiografia lui I. Yalom. Si ma cuprinde un fel de tristete adanca, dar in acelasi timp o veselie inexplicabila. Eu o sa mor cu zambetul pe buze, o sa fiu fericita si in trecerea spre nefiinta. Ma gandesc la moartea mea mai mult ca niciodata si asta ma face sa vreau sa traiesc in forta, cu brutalitate, epuizand viata, sa fiu sigura ca nu a ramas nici o picatura nebauta din marele pahar. Dar eu privesc totul ca pe o mare Aventura, chiar si ce vine dupa moarte.

Mi-e tare dor de Noua Zeelanda. Nici o tara nu se compara cu NZ, nici macar Norvegia, marea mea iubire.

Anul asta va fi despre munca multa si cu satisfactii, despre rochii, tocuri, stralucire, succes. Despre casa noastra care, iata, a prins contur. Simt atatea idei creative care mi se bulucesc in minte, vreau sa fac atat de multe lucruri. Mainile mele nu mai au astampar si astept… astept acel mic impuls ca sa dau viata.

Cumva eu traiesc marile momente din viata mea cu mare detasare. Asa a fost si cand am nascut, dupa un travaliu care a parut o vesnicie. Asa a parut si cand m-am maritat. Doar atunci cand sufar imi asum complet si deplin durerea si sunt gata sa ma ingrop sub ea. Oare in compozitia mea chimica suferinta detine procentul majoritar? Eu raman la parerea ca sunt alcatuita in cea mai mare parte din speranta.

Sigur ca sunt si temeri, dar ce-ar fi viata fara putina adrenalina? Promisiunea mea fata de mine este ca voi merge inainte in ciuda fricilor. Ca de exemplu, la ski. Nu o sa mai las teama sa ma paralizeze. Sau la volan. O sa imi dau voie sa simt teama, dar nu o voi mai lasa sa ma opreasca.

Am inteles bine de tot cat de multa nevoie am de frumusete, curatenie si liniste. Incepand de la a avea o masuta de toaleta, si pana la o casa spatioasa si neaglomerata, cu liniste si armonie. Am nevoie de haine frumoase, in care sa ma simt bine. Am nevoie sa imi ingrijesc trupul, care e templul meu. Am nevoie sa imi ingrijesc sufletul si mintea, care sunt gradina mea cea mai de pret. Am nevoie sa imi exersez muschiul memoriei. Dar cel mai mult am nevoie sa imi exersez muschiul dragostei, al bucuriei.

Sunt gata pentru orice urmeaza. 2018 o sa fie efervescent, cu mult entuziasm, creativitate, iubire. 2018 o sa fie despre impreuna, despre construit pas cu pas, cu gratie si inteligenta.

Don’t lose faith!

January 8, 2017 § Leave a comment

Sunt unele momente cand ai impresia ca totul se destrama – si uneori nu este doar o impresie, e chiar realitatea. E posibil sa pierzi totul intr-o clipa. Uneori ma gandesc la viata ca la un castel de carti – e suficient un vant mai puternic pentru ca intreaga ‘constructie’ sa se prabuseasca. Sunt sigura ca nu trebuie sa va explic sentimentele care ne incearca atunci cand castelul nostru de carti s-a prabusit – fiecare a trecut prin asa ceva in viata, unii mai greu incercati decat altii. Si desi e o experienta intima, sunt sigura ca suferinta e aceeasi. Suntem toti familiari cu ea.

Si pe urma? Caci exista mereu un ‘pe urma’, lucrurile sunt permanent in flux. Ideea e sa continuam sa respiram si sa alunecam la vale cu viata. Exista mai multe lucruri pe care le putem face, si despre care voi vorbi candva, pentru a ne repune pe linia de plutire. Dar in momentul 0, important e sa nu ne pierdem si pe noi insine.

Daca ar fi sa ma definesc cumva, as spune ca dispun de rezerve incredibile de speranta si optimism. Chiar daca pe moment ma simt la pamant, nu trece mult pana cand ma ridic cu si mai multa energie, vitalitate si resurse. Greutatile nu ma fac decat sa sap mai adanc si sa vad cu ce arme mai pot lupta. Cele mai puternice arme de care dispun sunt bucuria si credinta neclintita ca va fi bine. Nu stiu de unde mi se trage si cum de sunt asa, dar eu nu renunt si gata. De fiecare data cand m-am prabusit, nu a trecut mult si am plonjat in sus cu o energie de nedescris.

Mesajul meu, si nu doar pentru 2017, este acesta: orice ati face, nu va pierdeti credinta! Nu pierdeti bucuria si speranta. Nu va resemnati. Continuati sa puneti un picior in fata celuilalt, uneori asta e tot ce trebuie sa facem.

2017 va fi un an grozav. Viata insasi, cu toate ale ei, este minunata!

Efectul de halo in viata

November 1, 2016 § Leave a comment

Ati observant cum de multe ori in viata, cand ceva merge prost, parca *totul* merge prost? Si dimpotriva, atunci cand ceva merge bine, parca intregul univers ne surade si *totul* merge ca pe roate?

Cand am cate o perioada proasta, ma opresc si ma intreb: ce as putea face ca sa schimb asta? Uneori nu trebuie decat sa astepti, momentele grele trec ca o durere de cap nesuferita. Insa alteori vrei sa iei taurul de coarne si sa schimbi ceva acum.

Viata e plina de inertie si schimbarea e mult, mult mai greu de realizat decat ni se pare. Dar imaginati-va ca viata este ca un ocean (da, stiu, o metafora mai speciala nu gaseam si eu? :)).Fiecare val, oricat de mic-marunt, determina o schimbare, uneori imperceptibila, in masa de apa.

Tradus in viata reala, asta inseamna ca ce facem intr-un anumit domeniu al vietii tinde sa aiba ‘replici’ in toate celelalte domenii.Vestea proasta este ca negativismul, inertia, lipsa de motivatie, depresia se pot extinde dintr-un domeniu al vietii in altul.Vestea buna e ca atitudinea pozitiva functioneaza tot pe acelasi model. 🙂

Asta inseamna ca daca incepem intr-un anumit domeniu cu pasi mici, dar hotarati si perseveram intr-o directie pozitiva, sunt sanse mari sa resimtim aceasta schimbare si in alte feluri in viata noastra.

Cred ca exista doua mari obstacole in calea realizarii obiectivelor: unul este lipsa de directie (nu stii ce vrei, nu stii incotro sa o apuci) si inertia.

Munca cea mai grea (dar atat de frumoasa!) e in clarificarea obiectivului si directiei.Urmeaza apoi implementarea, care nu este decat o suma de pasi mici, facuti unul dupa altul.

Deja am in minte cel putin doua obiective din viata mea unde vreau sa aplic aceasta strategie a clarificarii si pasilor marunti. Speranta mea este ca efectul pozitiv se va resimti si in alte arii din viata mea. 🙂

Lacul Leman

Lacul Leman

On being competitive

January 14, 2016 § Leave a comment

I pressed play on this song and started writing.

I’ve been listening to this song for some 7 years now. It came my way as a recommendation from a dear friend, who to this day still refers me to it. Wear sunscreen is the kind of song you listen to during important moments, when you feel down or overjoyed, when nothing or everything makes sense. But one line in particular always spoke to me.

‘Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long, but in the end it’s only with yourself.’

If you asked me to introduce myself using three words, one of them would definitely be ‘competitive’. I grew up thinking competition was in my blood and it most definitely propelled me towards where I am today. To win at something, you must work hard, have a strategy behind everything you do, be resilient in front of challenges and have lots of grit – I could have stamped this phrase on my forehead I believed so much in it.

But at some point during the game, reality starts to bite. Envy might stinge you and your ego will get bruised as a result. Always being in competition is exhausting. Ironically, wanting to be the best at everything, all the time, against everyone is a losing game. I’m not even saying you should choose your battles carefully (although you should), what I’m saying is that in fact, we are always only competing against ourselves.

Here’s why: most of the time you will always be ahead of someone and behind someone. Competition is always relative. You are never THE champion, because while you’re busy being splashed with champagne, another better champion is winning you by a split second. In other words, being the best at something is relative. It’s devoid of meaning and very much attached to the matters of the ego.

When you detach yourself from the idea of being the smartest, the most beautiful, having the leanest body and the best taste in fashion, the most money and best math skills… all of it becomes a good joke. But suffering because you are not the smartest, most beautiful etc. – this suffering also disappears the moment you let go. All is left is a blank page where you can write your own version of history.

So let’s stop looking at what other people do and craft our own slope. And also? in reality no one cares what you do, everyone is concerned about themselves anyway, so don’t worry about coming across as the funniest, brightest, sexiest person in the room because no one really cares about you – all people think about is how THEY come across.

In the end, it’s not you vs. society, it’s you vs. you – and I will talk about this beautiful game some other day.

 

The runner that I am

November 25, 2015 § Leave a comment

Two nights ago I was feeling a little ‘bleah’ about going for a run. It was like I was missing inspiration, so while Elvin was working on our wedding ‘Save the date’ invite (I know, great man!) I put some music on – it always gets me going. I spent some time warming up and visualized myself running pain-free and enjoying the feeling. It was about half past eight when I laced up my shoes and went out the door.

The first 3 minutes were not easy; they never are as my body seems to be having an amazing time trying to beat inertia. But I paced myself and moved on… and on… Soon I came to the point I had reached the last time I went running with Elvin and decided more was in for me. I made a turn, passed the church and kept running. I couldn’t believe how amazing I was feeling! Sure, there was that nagging pain in my calves but I breathed into it and let it go. There were a few moments I was dreading – such as hills. But I took it easy on the hills and did.not.stop. Soon I made a turn towards Terrain Jakobi and passed through a pitch-black patch. This wasn’t very cool, as it’s by a construction area and I was fearing someone could… you know, harm me. I remained vigilant and kept running. I think I could watch myself from afar, watch how my body kept moving at a steady pace harbouring fear and dread.

Soon there was light again. I was thankful and imagined how I could be running this route in the winter mornings. I visualized myself running on a chilly winter morning when the world is still asleep and loved the thought! I checked in with my body, it was going strong – my God, what a feeling! I remembered how last Saturday I went for a run through rain which turned into sleet which soon turned into snow. That run made me so much stronger! The fact that I didn’t abandon the run when every ounce in my being said ‘go home and have a hot cocoa, no one should be running in this weather’ built up my resilience in ways I’m still discovering.

Our bodies are so much stronger than we think! Our minds are so much more resilient than we imagine! We only need to keep at it, keep pushing, be persistent. Have patience and the result will come. Keep being inspired and you will make strides. I feel that after some time now I am finally making strides again in my life. I’m doing something good for myself.

That night the neighborhood was almost empty and all was chilly and dark. My body felt light as a feather and my heart was awash with joy. Something in my brain was sparkling; perhaps some neural pathways that were just forming? I felt like I could keep running much longer but didn’t. I’m containing my energy for an amazing adventure that will unfold soon enough.

The one you feed

October 29, 2015 § Leave a comment

This is not a motivational post. This is ‘wake-up’ call.

Time and again I realize I am setting my own limits. My beliefs about myself dictate what I can and can’t do, what I should expect from myself and from others, what is safe and what isn’t etc. In other words these beliefs are my limits and the premise for my future.

But what if these beliefs could be deleted? What if I could replace them with a new set of beliefs and live according to them? What’s on the other side of the fence? Sometimes I get glimpses of the extraordinary person I can be. In fact I already am an extraordinary person but I don’t allow that to manifest every day. Why? Because I believe that is not who I am.

Perhaps I can forget all about who I used to be. Simply leave that behind and decide to feed myself something else. I love the parable about the one you feed.

I never thought I could accomplish as much as I have. I’ve never been the sporty type –  yet I ran a 5k race in 33 mins, did some strenuous hikes and am in love with squash. I always wanted to be a consultant and do what I’m doing today but deemed that impossible and confined myself to a less than great life. Today I am that consultant. And I could go on and on about what I thought I could never be/do, yet that is a reality today.

My beliefs are pre-conceptions. They are lies which become truths the more I repeat them to myself.

But that? That is not necessary. In fact I am a supernova of energy, power, goodwill, enthusiasm, wits and strength. I’m well equipped to be and do whatever my creative mind imagines.

And I’ll start with a 10k race at the end of November – it will be the first time I run a 10k in one go. Just watch me. I’m feeding the good wolf.

the one you feed

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