Midnight musings

August 3, 2014 § Leave a comment

So I think I’ve finally understood my hunger or lack thereof for novels. There are times in my life when I am consumed with certain questions and themes. Although on the outside I am fully functional I feel like I’ve been thrown into a well of questions and escape feels far away. There is no space for or inclination towards other universes, in this case the universes in books.

Time and again this question comes back to haunt me: what is it that really matters? What is real and what is fiction? What am I supposed to do? And if I create my own destiny – doesn’t that make it futile, because I could have chosen multiple other paths?
The truth is I feel a bit lost and I am finding it a bit difficult to make the next step, wherever that may lead me to. It’s funny, I am most definitely not the sort of person who thinks about next steps – instead, I just walk. I have become this very judgmental person who has an opinion about fairly everything, who stands by certain values and breaks up the world into bite-sized pieces.
Well, I think the universe is mocking me as a response because right now I feel damn shattered.

I ask myself again and again: what do I want? What am I really looking for?
I think I know: it’s the kindness and loving of God. I want redemption. I want to go back to where I came from. I know it’s all so relative; and it amazes me how everything counts so much yet nothing counts at all.
What is there to do, except for smiling as the sun is setting and you are closing the chapter of yet another day that will never come back again and weaving youself goodbye.

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