When nothing else matters

November 1, 2013 § Leave a comment

to my friend
You don’t have the right shoes to go with that dress. And why did your mother have to be so snappy on the phone the other day, did she forget you’re only human too? Girls don’t really like me, I’m too skinny/fat/ugly/ don’t have enough money/ social status/6 pack. God, I hate never being at home, never having time to just be and the kids are driving me in-s-a-n-e. So I have to make cupcakes before my boyfriend comes home tonight, and have to clean up too, darn it (why doesn’t HE ever do these things for me?). I’m wondering how she thinks of me… is she still jealous of me? Oh yes, I’m gonna run a 10k, and maybe a 20k and some day, maybe even a marathon.Maybe I’ll even be the President of the US… because I can!

What a rant… my frieds, what a rant. When real, big, horrible things hit us in life, they just put to shame thoughts like those you’ve just read. Death makes worrying about your fat thigs or skinny arms or horrible job or exhausting job – obsolete.
And we know that, because we’ve all been there and sooner or later, we’ll be there again. Time and again, life throws us in the shaky, painful, dark kingdom of fear. Life throws us in the hands of death, or its probability.

And maybe forgetfulness is the biggest sin a man is capable of. Forgetfulness of his mortality, when painful, horrible circumstances suck the life out of you, when life as we know it is terminated. Cessation of hope, and no speck of happiness; the pain of the heart is all there is, and the heart is reduced to raw flesh.

We’ll get there, all of us. So with that in mind, does the fact that you don’t own a car or a house or a job or a boyfriend, or slim thigs, or a 6 pack, or a big bosom, or the world record for niceness – matter at all?
It makes me angry to think no. It makes me angry at myself to know I have harbored feelings and thoughts I am now ashamed of, that I have wasted my time silly on so many occasions.

It’s the basics, people: you are here. That’s all there is. You’ve still got parents to hug and thank? You’ve got someone to hold your hand when the going gets tough and to see you through pain, someone you can kiss and love? You’ve got a decent job, and a roof above your head and something nice to eat, and clothes to wear? That’s all there is.

But who am I trying to fool? It will never be enough… That is until the big wave comes to wash everything away and turn off the light.

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