Underneath it all, alive and kicking

September 3, 2013 § Leave a comment

And so even the most spiritually developed of us get on the auto-pilot mode, where you wake up wishing you could sleep more, go to work where it is all wfully wrong or just ‘meh’ (really, how many stellar days have you had at work lately?), hate your boss and envy your colleagues for their long legs, fat wallet or perfect manicure or laugh at their ugly and jobless boyfriend. You know what I’m talking about. And then at the end of what seemed an awfully long day you go home with the expectation of letting go and soothing yourself with dinner and love and TV. And what you actually do is stuff your face with food that does not even begin to meet your nutritional needs. Then you are too lazy to wash the dishes, or talk with your wife, boyfriend, dog. Instead you crash on the sofa and numb yourself with beer, TV, wine, chocolate or crisps. Upon going to bed you think you are the world’s biggest loser – not worthy of love or anything else – destined to be forever unhappy. Just for a moment you revisit your day and you think ‘what a WASTE!’

This, my friends, is the movie that most of us play, on most days. You know, everyone feels the same way – like they’re a victim, and life is crap and will I ever have money to buy a house? And does my husband really appreciate me for what I do and who I am because hey, I AM REALLY STRUGGLING here.

So let me ask this question: when was the last time you felt profoundly, beautifully and deeply CONTENT? When did you last read something and thought ‘Gee, that’s exciting!’. When was the last time you wrote a thank you note and meant it? When was the last time you thanked your boyfriend and meant it? Can you remember the last morsel of food you really, really enjoyed? How does life feel for you? And don’t tell me it’s crap, because that’s how life is supposed to be. It’s not, but we trick ourselves into believing this big fat lie because it is just SO EASY to feel sorry for yourself and create this cushion of pain all around you.

I am one of these people I’m talking about. I have everything I could possibly need. And more. And yet I constantly worry – over losing what I have? – and rush from one thing to the next and am angry and inpatient and ungrateful.
But today, just for a few minutes I felt deeply content, so content my face must have taken the shape of a smiling rainbow. I felt passionate – like I am putting meaning into my life and my work. I was aware this is a game, but a fun one. I remembered all the wonderful and inspiring people I get to meet and work with (coincidentally, the people you love now are the people you’re going to hate a few minutes later). I remembered the ocean of love and possibilities and kindness that are awaiting for me at home. Just for a moment I was proud over what I have achieved thus far and excited at the thought of ALL the POSSIBILITIES out there.
It’s a wonderful world and I get to be part of it.

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